The 2010 legislative elections approach, that rare time when we can laugh at the incompetence of those who seek office before they—to our horror—achieve it. Perhaps it's the seemingly imminent collapse of the global economy. Perhaps the rise of Joe the Plumber and Sarah Palin has empowered the truly clueless to seek the spotlight more aggressively. Whatever may be the cause, this year's crop of hopefuls seems a little more insane than usual.

I am sure that they are all well-meaning, and I think that some candidates just need a little constructive criticism to polish their platform. That's why I have chosen four of the more painful-to-read statements from the voter pamphlet, suggested appropriate campaign slogans, and provided feedback to help make them more appealing to the electorate. I have copied each CV precisely as it is printed in the pamphlet, though I did omit a few wearying paragraphs from our first candidate's statement. It is certain to be a learning experience for all involved.

 

Goodspaceguy (Prefers Democratic Party)

Suggested Campaign Slogan: Take me to your leaders!

Elected Experience: Ten times, voters rejected Goodspaceguy’s economic program!

Other Professional Experience: Owner.

Education: Educated in America, Sweden, and Germany, Goodspaceguy experienced international living. Goodspaceguy earned two university degrees (bachelor followed by master) with important minors in economics. Nonsmoking, nondrinking, prosperous, healthy Goodspaceguy (Minnesota born) is a life-long student of knowledge, such as economics, individual liberty, ownership, repairing, rejuvenation, space colonization... As an amateur astronomer, Goodspaceguy sees the big picture. Goodspaceguy loves beautiful stars in the sky and in the movies. The people of Spaceship Earth are his family.

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Statement:

Dear fellow sheeple, you are the flim-flammed, manipulated power base.

Point one: It's generally not a good idea to lead with a derogatory phrase directed at voters. To suggest that everyone reading your words has credulously followed the lead of the current policy makers does not flatter anyone, even if you refer to yourself as a "fellow sheeple." On that note, if you are yet another "sheeperson," it doesn't seem to qualify you for elected office. Learn from those who came before you: It's a far more effective tactic to attack the current administration for being, say, "werewolves in sheeple-skins." That sounds a little nutty, but you get the point. You don't have to sound nutty, of course.

Unless you want to...

Please think of your Earth as a beautiful spaceship, traveling around your Sun in your solar system. Please think of yourselves as crewmembers, helping to operate and improve Spaceship Earth (for even the homeless.)

I absolutely get your point here, Goodspaceguy, and it is a nice change from the usual rhetoric. Still, it's not relatable to the majority of people. (Except maybe the homeless and illegal aliens. (Interesting use of parentheses, by the way.))

The economy and the deficit seem to be the hot topics for most people, and your own economic policy was important enough to mention as being rejected ten times (exclamation point), so you might want to jump straight to that, which is...

It is your destiny to start the orbital space colonization of your solar system. You have already spent the money! Consequently you should already have more than 200 habitats orbiting your Earth, Moon, Sun, and Mars.  But you don't! Why? Because your wasteful leaders have not studied orbital space colonization. Instead, yearly, they routinely waste billions and billions of your dollars.

Apparently your economic vision is to prioritize orbital colonies. That's like North Korea spending most of its GDP on poorly-wrought nukes while the country starves. You kind of have a creepy Kim Jong Il smile going on, so you might want to reconsider this. When much of the country is barely making enough to keep their trailer from collapsing, we probably don't need to worry too much about launching trailers into space. I take it that these colonies are where you intend to send the homeless. On that much, we might see eye-to-eye.

To help unsabotage your economy and to increase employment for people with problems, please abolish your beloved, but evil minimum wage.

1) "Evil" is a strong word, attached to a lot of superstition and negative emotion. It's a potent word to use in one's rhetoric. I generally think it's best to avoid using it to describe the minimum wage. 2) "Unsabotage" is not a word. Use it again, and I will break your fingers if I ever see you out shaking hands...or telling people to live long and prosper. Whatever.

Also to unsabotage the economy, please increase the incentive for wealthy people to move to Washington State, bringing their headquarters here. Make it profitable to grow jobs in Washington State, a job-wealth-growing state of a job/wealth partnership.

Washington State has no state income tax. That IS one of the biggest incentives to attract the wealthy. It's also incredibly tax-regressive. Need we go further in explaining what a costly political and logistical nightmare it is to relocate large-scale businesses? As your business experience is listed as "owner," I will assume that you understand—provided that that isn't short for "slaveowner."

You used "unsabotage" again, but your nonsensical splatter of job-wealth/growing jobby/wealth-share jobby-job/wealth makes me see you as a sort of pundit a la e.e. cummings, so I forgive you.

If you google goodspaceguy, you'll find me and talented people who claim to be me: Goodspaceguy. Increase jobs by making employers profitable. Defend wealth building and the homeless.

Egads! You seem to have cloned yourself. Let's just hope that at least your replicants know that "profitable" is not used to describe people, but things. I'd expect better from someone with "important minors in Economics." I think that "successful" is the word you wanted, but you probably say it "unfailureful." As a final suggestion, my dear "life-long student of knowledge" (as opposed to a student of unknowledge?), you might want to hit the books again before you hit the campaign trail. And fire the guy in the tin-foil hat as your campaign advisor.

 

Mike Latimer (Prefers Republican Party)

Suggested Campaign Slogan: I AM THE VOICE OF GOD

Elected Experience: None

Other Professional Experience: No information submitted

Education: 4 years of college

Community Service: No information submitted

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Statement:

My name is Mike Latimer, and I am running for US Senate.

Well, this is a good start, aside from the paucity of information about your professional background, your education, community involvement, and political experience.

It's not an accident that our nation is having so many problems at this time. God is trying to get our attention and if He doesn't get it soon our nation's woes can get a lot worse. God has the answer for all our problems, but first He wants to correct our attitude as a nation.

I couldn't agree more. As a fellow devotee of Dionysos, I am sure it is clear to both of us that we have angered the God of Wine and Revelry by eschewing pageantry and celebration, following dour theocrats and vapid consumerism into a cultural dark age. If we continue on this path, we will learn the same lesson as ill-fated Pentheus, who was torn to pieces by his own mother. Seeing that you have no listed professional experience or community service, we can assume that you have been communing with Dionysos and cavorting with Maenads in an intoxicated orgy for these many years. I can't wait to hear God's message directly from you...

I believe the best way to do that is for us to understand His heart. His desire is to bless our nation to the point of making the rest of the world envies (sic) of the blessings He is bestowing on us.

Well, I don't know if the point is to make others resent us for our joy and vivacity, and I think that adherents from most belief systems would agree with me. It's better to live by example, and hope that others learn to discard the oppressive binds of a fossilized moral code and learn to exult in our shared humanity. But I suppose that I should trust you. I mean, YOU would know, right? Do go on...

The catch is, we are tying his hands by our actions. We have kicked God out of our schools, out of our government and out of many of our churches along with His laws.

Wait...which God are we talking about?

So how do we fix it? Invite him back in to give Him the honor He is so richly due and set our laws to match His.

UH OH.

Stop the abortions, stop the homosexual agenda being pushed forward as an acceptable lifestyle, put restrictions on the pornography that is invading our lives, and give the Bible, prayer, and Jesus their rightful place in our schools. We need leaders that hear God's voice and will follow His direction to set our nation on His course and find His blessings for us.

...Well, that's disappointing. (And for the readers, he put that stuff in italics on his own.)

Look, Mike...there is no homosexual agenda. I for one am harmless. I only giggle like a schoolgirl when I see that your name is an anagram for "I, meat milker" and "ratlike mime." I'd never use that against you. I'm down with Jesus, too. He even upstaged Dionysos (they had this sibling rivalry thing going on) by making wine from water. I want to party with THAT guy. Still, I should hope that you have better ideas regarding jobs and the economy than the Biblical policy of stoning people who work on the Sabbath. If you want to continue campaigning on a platform that would dictate policy based on religion, I do have one very good suggestion:

Move to Afghanistan.

 

Mike the Mover (Prefers Democratic Party)

Suggested Campaign Slogan: Working for the American Homeowner...literally

Elected Experience: 1988-Present I have run for 17 Canidacies

Other Professional Experience: Household Mover for 31 years

Education: Shoreline CC, Morningside (Iowa) UW

Community Service: Ran the first tent city in Seattle

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Statement:

The last four years, 2006-2010, has been an economic roller-coaster disaster for many of us, here and elsewhere. During this time, business people submitted, or produced "fuzzy" mathematical numbers as 'bait' to the average consumer. For many of us, the lure seemed 'to good to be true.' Re-finance your house. Go on (many) vacations. Buy a new car. Get a hair transplant, or fake 'boobs.'

At last the Democratic Party has an answer to Joe the Plumber and—to a lesser extent—Scott the "Wiseass" Custard Guy. If but he had been Mike the Economist...

Mike, for starters, the average consumer includes a lot of people who work in real estate, travel and hospitality, cars, and...the ever important "boob-and-hair" industry. Some "business people" definitely took advantage of the situation more than others, but what has been made manifestly clear is that we all share in the blame. Your opening tirade is old news, as is what follows:

As the average property tax soared, so did the mortgage payments. Lots of people got in to (sic) deep. Then over their head. There was no lifeguard. You just couldn't dial 911. In fact, the government had to bail out the banks that had created the illusion of ‘instant' prosperity to begin with. At first, it seemed everyone had a job. A couple ‘blinks of the eye', and it all vanished for many people. Their jobs too!"

So, are you running for office in 2008 or 2010?

Today, we have been informed that financial cuts in primary education are looming. Yet, universities pay coaches in the millions of dollars per year, to fill stadium venues. They hand-out free scholarships to millions of student-athletes per year, while their main fans on Wall Street continue to vacation at Disney World & White Sulfur Springs (WV). Or, as a custom, they cordially offer their season ticket seats to their business partners, as if it was all by design.

This is an interesting tack. One may agree that the salaries of athletes and coaches are grossly inflated, but universities (and cities) tend to do this because a profit is turned on tickets, paraphernalia, and tourism. Indeed, the money doesn't always fill the right coffers, but the demand is once again not created by a few shadowy "business people." It's a systemic issue, and if you want to take on athletics, you will once again alienate the "average consumer."

Mr Mover: You are a good representative of blue-collar America, far better than Joe the Plumber, but only insomuch as you are frustrated with the current situation and seeking someone to blame without displaying any comprehension of the problems. I imagine that your business, too, has taken a dive as most people are not moving between homes as much as they are moving into their cars. It probably seemed like a good time to go into politics, but as it stands now, you won't get my vote. I hope there are no hard feelings. In the event that I end up living in a tent city, I'll want you on my side. I'll need a guy to lift stuff for me.

 

William Edward Chovil (Prefers Republican Party)

Suggested Campaign Slogan: For God and Guntry

Elected Experience: No information submitted

Other Professional Experience: Caregiver & defender of our Republic.

Education: I have a Bachelor of Arts degree, and a Bachelor of Education Degree.

Community Service: The Republican National Committee, the National Center for Constitutional Studies, the National Rifle Association-life member, the Gun Owners of America-life member, the Washington Arms Collectors, The National Association of Letter Carriers, the Service Employees International Union, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints - Tacoma, Stadium Ward.

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If you react as I do, then you already have many pressing questions though we haven't even reached the official statement. For example, since when is joining the NRA and other gun clubs considered a community service? He's Mormon, so we can assume that he's done plenty of service through the church. But I must wonder if his beliefs have changed with the church, or if he holds to the belief that, say, a black Mormon is inferior to a white Mormon, or as the Apostle Petersen said, "If that negro is faithful all his days, he can and will enter the Celestial Kingdom. He will go there as a servant, but he will get celestial glory." Does he hold a grudge against the Native American population for wiping out the Nephites? How does he keep his magic underwear its whitest?

Well, hopefully his statement will clarify a bit. Elucidate, Bill...

Statement:

What kind of America do Americans want? The one our founders planned for us? The one America's anti-founders are giving us now?

Oh great...you're just asking questions, too, and leaving me with more. Namely, "What the bloody hell is an anti-founder?"

They are honest questions, though. What kind of America DO Americans want? Do we want the one that our founders planned for us, which did not afford rights to women and minorities, but did at least make clear that there would be no state religion? On the point of religion, because Mormonism was created after the country was founded, should we kindly ask Mormons to leave, as they were not part of the original plan? I'm sure, Bill, that you're all ears and open to all sorts of suggestions if you're asking these questions. I respect a man who is willing to bend on a few things and create a dialogue.

I am pro-life, pro-liberty, pro-gun, pro-audacity, pro-Sarah Palin, and John Gault, Pro-charter schools and home schools. I am against cap and trade, against Obama Care, and against the new-world-order.

...

It's spelled John Galt.

And New World Order is capitalized and not hyphenated.

And I think we're done here.